70s List Friday: Ten Songs That Should Never Have Been Released

This is by no means a list of 70s songs that suck, or even a “Worst Songs Of the 70s” list, simply a list of songs that we wish no one had released for some reason or another. Usually it’s because it has turned us against something that we would otherwise have liked, or simply scarred our childhood so much, we either remember exactly where we were when we first heard it, or we’ve erased the incident completely from our memory with nothing but scotch and drugs. So, starting at 10, here’s your Pick Of The Pops countdown…

10. Judy Collins: Send In the Clowns

That’s right, we’re going there. To be perfectly honest, this is a really great song that no one under Heaven has yet been able to do justice. Ethel Merman’s version can restart flatlined hearts, Shirley Bassey’s version can pop car tires, but Judy Collins’ version is so bland and banal that it doesn’t just encourage clowns to start interpretative dancing, it’s forcing them to do it outside of their own free will. Send In The Clowns is also probably the primary cause of coulrophobia (it’s the 21st Century! Google it!) in those of us from the age of 25-38.

What to listen to instead: Leo Sayer: The Show Must Go On

9. Jimmy Osmond: Long Haired Lover From Liverpool

I can’t say too much about this one as I had to stop it 35 seconds into the song, it really does make me think of dark winter days rolling naked down hill after hill of broken glass. Were this a real Top Ten, rather than just a list, this would probably be number 1. Press play above, force your eyes open with matchsticks, and dream of what luxurious lives are led in Guantanamo Bay.

What to listen to instead: Donny Osmond: Puppy Love

8. Michael Jackson: Ben

It’s so long ago now that it’s hard to remember that this song was actually about a boy’s love for his pet rat, Ben, for the movie of the same title. Ben is the sequel to the 1971 horror movie Willard, about a man who trains his pet rat Socrates to enact his vengeance, but the lone rat soon becomes just one of a team of other trained rats lead by the bigger and more intelligent Ben. Socrates eventually turns on his master and kills him, and all the super-intelligent rats escape. In Ben, a boy takes Ben to be his pet, and Ben’s awesome powers protect him from bullies, but eventually Ben starts to take control and the rest of the rats start killing people and the police have to come in and contain the swarm. Ben gets away, but unfortunately does not get as far as a third movie, which would have made a wicked cute rats destroy mankind to childish love songs trilogy. So, yeah. Despite being nominated for an Oscar for Best Original Song in 1972, this song bears absolutely no resemblance to the source material it’s based on.

What to listen to instead: Paul McCartney & Wings: Live And Let Die (Nominated for Best Original Song Oscar in 1973)

7. Debby Boone: You Light Up My Life

I never saw the movie that this song comes from, but for those who did, I’m truly, deeply, sorry. I did, however, see the trailer for it when I went to see Herbie Goes To Monte Carlo for some kids birthday, which was essentially this 4 minute version from the film intercut with other scenes from the movie. Needless to say, to this day, I have yet to subject myself to it. the only thing I can be happy for, in my own selfish way, is that we in the UK got the Sex Pistols in 1977, while you poor buggers in the US had two full months of this insipid dross as number one. Actually, while you were forced to hear that everywhere, we had four number ones which could could be considered either better or worse, depending on your tastes:-

1. David Soul: Silver Lady – A beautiful song sung by a beautiful man
2. Baccara: Yes Sir, I Can Boogie – The kind of Eurodisco that turns normal people into serial killers
3. ABBA: The Name Of The Game – Arguably the greatest ABBA song of all time
4. Paul McCartney & Wings: Mull Of Kintyre – My family anthem, apparently.

Then Mull of Kintyre proceded to wreak holy vengeance upon us Brits by staying there at number 1 for 9 weeks. 9 full weeks of bagpipe solos. Thinks about it. What makes it worse is that my sister actually bought the damn thing. She’s responsible.

But anyway, yes. You Light Up My Life should never have been released.

What to listen to instead: Meco: Star Wars Theme – Cantina Band - This is what was number 1 in the US the week before Debby Boone got there…

6. Brotherhood Of Man: Save Your Kisses For Me

It’s 1976, and this is my first real Eurovision Song Contest. We in Britain realized that if we ever wanted to win, we needed a singing group that reminded everyone of ABBA, and had a catchy dance gimmick. In 76, Brotherhood of Man stuck their thumbs behind their oversized belt buckles and bounced their hips in a non-sexual circular motion (in 81, Bucks Fizz did the same thing only the two girls ripped their skirts off to reveal slightly shorter skirts). Surprisingly, it worked, and BoM won that year. Save Your Kisses For Me was also the biggest selling single in the UK that year. Outside of the Euro-sphere, however, you have probably never been subjected to this strange love song with the ‘surprise’ Jackson-Approved ending, so I’m including here just for you. Bear in mind, this was the first dance routine I ever learned, and I was trotted out to perform it just about every time it came on at weddings, parties and wakes all throughout the later 70s. Thank God, no one remembers it now.

Okay, maybe next time it’s played, you’ll get me to do it one more time, just for old time’s sake.

What to listen to instead: Brotherhood of Man: Figaro – Much more fun, and you feel less icky for enjoying it.

5. Styx: Babe

In just over 4 minutes, Styx invent the Power Ballad, and ruin pretty much any enjoyment I can get out of a regular rock album for the whole of the 80s. Every rock band has to have their version of Babe in their otherwise excellent album somewhere. I’m left crying in the closet as child, wondering what the hell I’ve spent my pocket money on. This one song is directly responsible for Bryan Adams’ career. Well, that and the Canadian Content laws that virtually guarantee anyone with a record contract airtime. Screw you, Dennis De Young. Your band sucks. Thanks for nothing!

What to listen to instead: Typically Tropical: Barbados – Because despite the knowledge that it’s sung by a white guy in an overtly racist Caribbean accent, it still totally erases my memory of that shite song above. Ah… Bliss…

4. Ray Stevens: Everything Is Beautiful

Quite simply, there’s nothing wrong with this song. But he sold it to an advertising company, who used to sell wood sealant. So, yeah, whenever I hear it now, I do hear “Everything is beautiful, in it’s own way… Ronseal keeps wood beautiful, beauty that will stay!” Nice way to remember a happy song about God and kids and stuff, right?

What to listen to instead: David Dundas: Jeans On - The proper way to sell your song out to advertisers. At least jeans are cool…

3. Maureen McGovern: Can You Read My Mind?

Ignore the weird karaoke-club video that goes with this. Astute readers will realize that this is the love theme from 1978′s Superman. It’s a lovely, almost haunting piece until OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE THEY DONE! Yep, they’ve taken that crap poem Lois Lane has going through her head as she flies with Superman, definitely the lamest part of an otherwise awesome movie, and set it to music. I don’t know what’s worse, the original scene with the poem, or the sung version with the dolphins and orcas. Either way, I need to scrub my brain with a Brillo pad. Nurse!

What to listen to instead: John Williams: Cavatina – Harrowing movie, beautiful piece of music, no stupid lyrics.

2. The Bellamy Brothers: If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body Would You Hold It Against Me?

This song has, as it’s title, such a ridiculous pick-up line, that I can’t even use it in an ironic fashion. Plus, it’s terrible, weak, and features far too much pedal-steel slide guitar. The word here, though really is weak. They spend the whole time asking if they can say this or call her that. It’s the most passive-aggressive love song ever written. You can tell they’re from Florida. These two guys really need to grow a pair… each this time.

Oh, the only song worse in this category of stupid trick titles is Dr. Hook’s When You’re In Love With A Beautiful Woman. Seriously, guys, just stop.

What to listen to instead: The Bellamy Brothers: Let Your Love Flow - It’s like a completely separate group, intelligent, poppy, and doesn’t sound like something Sondra Locke would sing in one of those Any Which Way But Loose movies…

1. Manhattan Transfer: Chanson D’Amour

Ah the good old days of Gay Paris, sipping champagne in the cafe, Piaf reverberating from the 78rpm wind-up record player, Francois capitulating to the Nazis, zut alors! Les temps c’est fantastique! Oui, c’est vrai. Fantastique, indeed.

Someone out there was desperately trying to forget that it was 1977 and that punk was around the corner. Leo Sayer’s When I Need You was number the week before, ABBA’s Knowing Me Knowing You came after, but for three weeks the UK gave itself over to America’s jazz quartet Manhattan Transfer, who wanted to sing us in Franglais a love song about how they think of love songs every time they see you, or every time they hear a Thompson Submachinegun go ‘rat-tat-tat-tat-ta!” or something like that. So, yeah, it’s either a slow plodding paean to a 1930s love affair, or it’s an overlong cpdewrod for a French resistance operation. Take your pick…

What to listen to instead: Blondie: Denis – A much finer example of a song with a bit of French in it. And a video much more pleasant to the eye, too.

Cooler in the 70s: Car Chase Movies

Thanks to the current fuel crisis and the tanking economy, I tend to feel a pang of guilt whenever I switch the channel and stop to watch motorsports. As a kid, I loved motorsports and two of my biggest heroes were Formula One driver James Hunt and Motorcycle Grand Prix rider Barry_Sheene . Now I have the choice of NASCAR, F1, IndyCar, Drag Racing, MotoCross, Rally driving, Dirtbiking, etc… And I always feel like they might want to tone it down a bit and save some of that gas for the rest of us to keep the costs down a bit. Maybe play some NASCAR Thunder on the Wii instead, something like that.

Sure, there was an oil crisis also going on in 1973, but that didn’t seem to stop anyone from making the kinds of movies where the main object of entertainment is ostensibly a 70 minute car chase across the northern California. Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry is one such film, but you could add Vanishing Point, Duel, Smokey and the Bandit, Convoy, Gone in 60 Seconds and Death Race 2000 to that list. Anytime you have a simple first reel set-up and 70 minutes or more of cars chasing each other, you’ve got a 1970′s hit movie. Add some desert-road diners, a couple of gas station fights, and at least one middle-of-nowhere motel, and you have a blockbuster on your hands.

Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry is about a simple a set-up as it gets. Peter Fonda and Adam Roarke rob a supermarket, and discover their getaway vehicle has Susan George in it. Peter shagged Susan something rotten the night before, in a motel, but unbeknownst to him she’s a wily drifter who discovers what they’ve done and forces them to let her tag along. Cue 70 minutes of spectacular high-speed car chases and mindblowing car and helicopter stunts.

There are some interesting points that make DMCL stand out from more commercial fare like Smokey and The Bandit, however. For a start, there’s no musical score. There’s a song at the beginning, one at the end, and a couple of times where Susan turns on the radio, or you hear one in the background, but there is no composed incidental music anywhere in the movie. It’s a strange effect that brings you closer and closer to their world, as you hear nothing police radios and V8 engines as the soundtrack to their lives.

Another thing is that, despite knowing that these are criminals that just robbed a grocery store, their reasoning behind it (Fonda is a wannabe NASCAR driver and Roarke is his mechanic, but they couldn’t get a sponsor to afford a car fast enough to enter any races) allows the audience to forget what they’ve done. We almost instantly like them, and all we care about is that these guys, with their free-wheeling lifestyle and easy charm, get away with it. At times, you even want their many attempts to ditch Susan George to succeed, as she does come across at a tad annoying. She is, though, an interesting character – a chronic liar, pretending to be a dumb blond trailer-trash good-time chick, but sometimes little moments of education and street smarts shine through, relentlessly clinging to Larry almost as a father figure, needing of attention and some kind of thrill in her otherwise mundane drifting life. The script finally gives her a backstory, provided by the police no less, but she herself has lied so much about her past I can’t even believe what’s on her criminal record. Suffice to say, she has one, and the two store robbers have one, and that means only thing. A shocking, but appropriate ending.

DMCL is a classic cult car chase movie that makes you forget how much gas costs now, even with the knowledge that back then, at the height of the 73 oil crisis, it was only 53c a gallon. Sit back, switch off your brain, enjoy the speed, and don’t forget that this movie, when it came out in 74, was distributed almost exclusively to drive-in movie theaters.

Saw this on a blog post for 1970′s New York pictures which is fascinating stuff, and I’ll link it up on the right soon. This is a NYC subway train circa 1971, which really goes to show that, even though we now may think they’re dirty and hard to sit in comfortably, we forget (or in my case never saw except in movies) just how bad they were. The posters on the end of the car are fairly new, you may notice, and have been plastered up there over the graffiti overlapping itself on the wall. Everything else kinda looks like the monkey cage in a zoo. I think you can still buy those metal straps above the seats from the NYC Transit Museum, though I’d have to soak them in bleach for about a year before I’d want to touch one.

As for the blog this came from (1970′s New York), be advised that for those of a more sensitive nature, it contains many pictures of the World Trade Center during and after construction. There’s also a photo of Jersey City from the Manhattan side which, as anyone who’s lived here longer than I have will remember, contains no skyline.